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Connection to Self

Nadine Jones
May 6, 2017
6 min read

Belonging brings to us a deep sense of role and responsibility in this world. When we feel like we belong and respect for ourselves, others, and the earth we live on, life becomes easier. I believe this basic need for connection and belonging is a core issue faced by many in the world around me. The more we disconnect ourselves and from each other the unhealthier we become as a community.

Through my recovery from addictions I have learned that connection to myself first and then to others are basic needs that I either never learned or had forgotten. I have neglected myself.

To feel more connected to others it’s important that we first connect to ourselves. We have to become grounded in who we are and want to be. We begin this connection by recognizing our feelings and reactions in order to respond to our needs and take care and understand ourselves. When we connect to ourselves we are also able to create lives that are meaningful and fulfilling.

So, who am I?

My identity is ever evolving. As I continue to grow and learn I am in a constant flux of change. I have a vision of who I want to become. I am holding myself with compassion.

(For more on compassion see Blog Post “Compassion For Myself” February 4, 2017)

What Changed?

I still have people coming up to me in the community around Haida Gwaii who do not recognize me. The questions they always ask are: What did you do? How did you lose all the weight? I simply say to most now that losing the weight was a side effect of learning to love myself and accept myself for who I was the soft cocoon I had covered my soul in started to fade away. I hope that when you look at me you can see my bright energy shining out from inside me. I hope you see that I am happy with myself. I hope you see that I have learned to love and connect with myself.

“A Part of My Story”

Our basic needs in childhood are love and emotional connection. Many of us grow up without these needs being adequately met.

In full honesty there is very little I remember about my childhood, I remember bits and pieces however most of what I remember is linked to strong feelings like abandonment, loneliness, love, and fear.

I’m not saying I didn’t have love because I did, I had a lot of love around me and I remember my childhood as fun, exciting, playful, and also scary. I was surrounded by violence and intergenerational trauma. I often felt the role reversal of being my mother’s care taker and rescuer.

One of my earliest memories is when my oldest sister was kicked out of our family home when I was approximately four years old. I can remember hugging her leg while she held a blue suitcase say “please don’t go”. A couple years later my other sister was kicked out. I found myself living as an only child. I remember feeling very alone. I spent a lot of my time in the fields and forest surrounding our home, at the creek and pond behind our house, most of this time spent in my own little imaginary world.

I also remember feelings of love like when my dad taught me how to make popcorn or spending time with him in his workshop. There are great memories of preparing moose, salmon and vegetables from our garden.

However, I have equal if not more memories of being scared. I remember the nights when the fighting would start and the things in our home would start to fly and break. I thought I could get in the middle of them and they would stop. I was wrong. I remember jumping into the car and fleeing for a night or two, or just hiding under the stairs or in my room.

This was when my addiction began. Around the age of 13, I started cutting and scratching my body. Looking back now I can see how much pain I was in. I was trying to find some way to numb the pain out. I remember vowing I would never be like them. I would never be a drunk. I would never fight in front of my children. Sadly, this would not be my fate. We learn behaviors, which are a model for us. We learn how to cope by how others around us cope. I learnt very well the negative behaviours and my addictions overwhelmed me.

Our Past Colors Our Future

Our past colors the present in how we perceive the world. We all perceive the world differently because our past is different. Even as siblings growing up in the same home, we learned, remembered and saw the world differently, through our own eyes. My parents did the best with what they knew. I only hold love and compassion for them today. I would not change a thing about my childhood because no matter how challenging or lonely that time was; I am who I am now because of it.

When I started my healing journey I had to look inwards moving into the anger, shame, and fear I had been numbing out. Learning to love myself with compassion by accepting both my shadow and light side. In doing this I learned how to love myself for the first time, learning to trust others and form connections. Learning to feel a sense of belonging in this world and facing my very strong feelings of rejection. I am learning to allow people to truly see me for the first time. I do my best each day to notice my feelings and emotions, and accepting them, there are no good or bad emotions, it’s all in how you choose to deal with them.

Our past history is important to acknowledge and learn from but what is more important is the present and the future. It’s our choice to decide how much we allow the past to color the future visions of our selves. It’s our choice how we connect with the world around us today.

But first, we must first learn how to connect with our selves. Only then can we learn how to connect with others and the world around us

In this moment I can say: I am a Strong, Courageous and Powerful Gitxsan Woman. I am learning to take on each day and every emotion as they come while having compassion for myself.

Who do you want to be? Are you ready to start finding out?

Here are 5 ways to grow connection to your self,

1. Notice your feelings

Notice what you’re feeling at any given time, taking a moment to pause, sensing inwards finding where in your body that feeling is located.

2. Name your feelings

As we sense in naming for ourselves the feelings at any particular moment

(For more on identifying feeling see Blog post “Emotional Literacy - Feelings Wheel” January 20, 2017)

3. Accept your thoughts and emotions

Connecting with ourselves means accepting all of our feelings and emotions without judgement. Accepting all of your thoughts and emotions, without pushing them away will help you to feel more grounded and more awake in the world.

Observe your feelings and notice the sensations that arise in your body. Not having to change it, or do anything just in that moment but simply notice them in your body.

4. Making time to do things on your own

Make time to be with yourself in energizing or calming activities. This could be walking in nature, petting your dog or cat, creating something, listening to favorite music, or maybe just sitting quietly by yourself.

Think about the activities that brought you joy as a child and trying them. When was the last time you splashed and jumped in a puddle?

As you think about those childlike things now, what do you notice in your body? How are you feeling?

5. Have Compassion for Yourself

This is a big part of connecting to your self. No one in the world knows your feelings and hurts as well as you do. You know all the intricacies and tendrils of them, firsthand and up close. You are the one most qualified to bring love to this part of yourself.