Toddlers are not the only ones to have tantrums!

Have you ever carried a child out of a store red-faced and screaming because you told her no, you’re not buying the toy or candy. Children often lack the language skills or emotional literacy to voice or describe the frustration. As we grown up, we often learn to articulate our needs and exercise self-control. What about you, do you lose your cool? Have you “flipped your lid” —because your puppy crapped on the floor again or we just want the %*#@! PVR to work.

We don’t grow out of temper tantrums the way we grow out of clothing or bicycles. I’ve seen just as many toddlers in a full blown temper tantrums as I have adults. Do you “Flipped your Lid”, “Lost your Cool”, “Raged Out”? I know I have, so why not call it a temper tantrum, are we acting any more acceptable than the child we dragged out of the store, kick screaming and crying. This loss of control over our own bodies and emotions can be extremely scary for ourselves and those on the receiving end.

The same reasons a toddler flips out is the same reason adults do, and the tactics that calm a screaming toddler can apply to everybody. Before I tell you the 3 Step plan, let’s learn a bit about the Upstairs and Downstairs Brain.

Upstairs Brain and Downstairs Brain

We can talk about the brain in many ways. Left hemisphere versus Right hemisphere, Bottom to Top. Today we are going to look at it in what Dr. Dan Siegel refers to as "downstairs" and "upstairs" brain.

Imagine that your brain is a house, with both a downstairs and an upstairs. The downstairs brain includes the brain stem and the limbic region, that are responsible for basic functions (like breathing and blinking), for innate reactions and impulses (like fight or flight), and for strong emotions (like anger and fear). Basic necessities get taken care of downstairs.

Your upstairs brain is completely different. The upstairs brain is more evolved and can give you a fuller perspective on your world. It is highly sophisticated and complex, and is responsible for producing many of the characteristics we hope to have in ourselves and in our kids: sound decision making and planning, control over emotions and body, self-understanding, empathy and morality. Excerpt from "The Whole-Brain Child." – Dr. Dan Siegel

When the downstairs brain is in control and not communicating with the upstairs brain this is when we “flip our lid”. When and how does communication stop?

Enter the Amygdala

Our amygdala is shaped like an almond and is part of the limbic area, which resides in the downstairs brain. The amygdala’s (watchdog of the brain) job is to quickly process and express emotions like anger and fear. Like that little yappy dog who is barking at every car or sound, always alert to threats. When it senses danger, it can completely take over the upstairs brain. Causing us to act before we think. Reacting before we think isn’t usually so good in everyday life. When you’re not in danger, we usually want to think before acting. I can remember my mother trying to encouragement to “think before you speak”, why was/is this so hard for many of us, to pause before we react?

If you have a very active amygdala, it frequently fires up and blocks the stairway connecting the upstairs and downstairs brain. There are several theories why the amygdala may become more active in some. One is long term environmental stress can cause chemical changes in the brain. Another reason could be psychological disorders that can cause these changes. The third reason could be genetic. (The amygdala is also linked to Anxiety, however that’s another blog, for another time). Whatever the reason for over-reaction, it is possible to train the amygdala to calm down. It is possible to start this training in toddler-hood or now as an adult if you so choose, learning to slow down the process and calm the amygdala. Suppressing these emotions is neither healthy, nor the answer, the energy that is produced needs to come-out.

What are Tantrums?

A tantrum is the expression of frustration with the challenges or fears of the moment. Perhaps you’re having trouble figuring something out or completing a specific task. Maybe you’ve been worrying about your teenager getting home safe from a night out, then flip out when they get home because they didn’t answer your texts. Your amygdala has shut down communication from the upstairs brain. You do not have the vocabulary or emotional literacy to express your feelings. Frustration might trigger anger — resulting in you “flipping your lid”.

Two types of Tantrums

Upstairs tantrum occurs when you decides to throw a fit, you make a conscious choice to push buttons in an attempt to get what you wants. You will notice when someone knows what they are doing and that there is a definite using of strategy to achieve a desired end - never negotiate with a terrorist. The upstairs tantrum calls for firm boundaries and a clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. By setting boundary’s you are teaching the other person that you deserve respectful communication, patience. An Upstairs tantrum can turn into a downstairs tantrum.

A downstairs tantrum is completely different. You becomes so overwhelmed that you no longer can access the upstairs brain. Stress is flooding your body and almost no part of the cognitive brain is working. You are out of control, you have “flipped your lid”. You are not considering consequences, able to solving problems, or considering others feelings, - we simply can’t process any of that information in that moment, and the staircase to the upper brain is gone.

How do we manage a downstairs tantrum

in others and ourselves?

Here’s a simple three point plan for managing a “lid flipping”.

1. Anticipate - We all have temper triggers. For a toddler, it may be getting dressed for preschool. For an adult, it may be talking about the bills after a long day of work. If you’re aware of the triggers, you may be able to avoid the tantrum. Also, remember the acronym HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

2. Wait - When someone is having a tantrum, don’t throw a tantrum yourself. It will only add fuel to the fire. Don’t yell back in the middle of the outburst, offer choices, take a breath, or walk away (give yourself an adult sized time-out). Often it will pass quickly and the upstairs brain can re-engage.

3. Validate - One reason people throw tantrums is that they want to be heard. People grow louder and more animated as a way to get attention and show you that this issue is important to them. If there lid hasn’t completely flipped, use your feelings vocabulary and emotional literacy. This doesn’t mean you have to agree. A simple “I understand you’re angry” or Acknowledge what’s bothering them and let her know what you need. With kids, it’s also important to let them know that it’s OK to express emotion, but in an appropriate way. Why is this happening?

A sheer sense of being overwhelmed, frustrated or scared, of course and a combination of —hungry, angry, lonely and tired? Certain people are wired to fly off the handle more easily, having a harder time putting on the brakes and have a harder time regulating emotion. Some have not had experience learning to identify their emotions, or have grown up having strong emotions modeled inappropriately. Some have too much trauma kindled with in there nervous system, thus keeping the watch dog of the brain on high alert, at all times, everything is a threat to survival.

Would you like help with Frustration, Anger, or an overactive Amygdala?

Lets Start Doing!

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