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I Should's

Nadine Jones
Mar 19, 2017
5 min read

We hear the word “should” in our daily culture all they time, I should go do the dishes, I should cook dinner, I should get to the gym. It’s a word that does us more hard then good. “Shoulds” are often about obligations, habits, or other people’s expectations. If we are living in a world of shoulds we are most likely, feeling frustrated, unhappy, and not content with ourselves. It’s important to live a life in which we strive to our fullest potential, being the best we can be. We need to accept ourselves for who we are and not what others, think or say we should be.

Do you remember the old saying “sticks and stone may break your bones, but words will never hurt you”, well I call bullshit! Words do hurt, and it’s time we acknowledge it, if I had to choose I'd much rather be hit with a stick. Those words sting deep. When we hear shoulds from others, judgments from those who are supposed to care and love us, those last much longer than a bruise form a stick. Please don’t get me wrong hitting is NOT okay, but near is placing judgments or “Shoulds” on others. They hurt a lot.

Shoulds hurt!

When I should myself by saying “I really should go wash the dishes and clean up my kitchen”, it doesn’t make me anymore excited to go do it, if anything I sense my inner child dragging her feet, why me, I don’t want to, I wish I had a maid. “Should” feels like I’m guilt tripping myself, and when I feel guilt, I get resentful and stubborn, this doesn’t encourage me to go do anything.

What happens when you start to then dwell on the fact that you’re not doing as you “should”. We start bring more focus and energy to the negative. We start to dwell on our short comings and failings, and we’re less likely to find a real solutions. If I could just bring myself to cleaning up right after dinner, that’s what my mother would have done, why am I so lazy, I should be able clean up sooner, I lack disciplined, what’s wrong with me, maybe I just don’t have it in me to do it, why even bother cooking to begin with, no one really cares anyways, why can’t anyone help me, I’m so annoyed they just sit on the couch at night! Then pretty soon I’m still sitting on the coach now watching HGTV and maybe eating some cheese. The process begins again I should go clean the kitchen what’s wrong with me I’m still sitting on this friggen coach. What happens if someone drops in …..

Oh no, now comes the memory of the feeling of shaming,

I’m going to feel sick.

Shame is Painful! Its an emotion that most of us will do just about anything to avoid, even though its an emotion that we all have. When you feel shame you may notice blushing, rapid heartbeat, sweat, head hangs lower, slump in the shoulders, avoid eye contact, dizzy or nauseous. Uhg I dislike that feeling in my body.

You see Guilt is a right or wrong judgement about a behavior, shame is the feeling about yourself. Guilt can motivate you to want to change (hence why people guilty trip) temporarily. In contrast shame is an intense whole body sensation, and feeling of inadequacy and inferiority. We often want to hide or disappear. When shame happens in front of others, we feel exposed, naked, and humiliated. The worst however is the profound sense of separation, you feel disconnected from everyone.

Shame is Traumatic. You’re ashamed of who you are. You don’t believe that you matter or are worthy of love, respect, success, or happiness.

Why do we keep do it?

I recently came across an article by Ralph Squire about the golden rule “Do unto others as you do unto yourself”. I believe that the golden rule is to encourage to grown more love, however what happens if we don’t have love for ourselves? Here is what he said; “Most people perceive this to be an admonition to show more love toward others. I submit that the opposite is true. Only when we show love toward ourselves can we show love toward others. I believe the Golden Rule is a statement of fact. I WILL love (treat) my neighbor as I love (treat) myself. If I'm ashamed of myself, how can I be proud of others? If I hate myself, how can I love others? If I sit in judgment of myself, how can I not criticize others? If I do not feel like a worthwhile person, how can I treat others with dignity? If I do love myself, how can I not see others as worthwhile beings? The Golden Rule also works in reverse. Others will treat me as I treat myself.”

What happens if Shame become Chronic?

Not always but for me and others in order to cope with the pain we often turn to numbing behaviors, such as addictions, exercise addictions, food addictions, pet addictions, gambling addictions, etc. Why because the addiction doesn’t judge or shame us, we are good at it, it loves us. Most are not even conscious that the reason for numbing is the pain of Shame, which then leads us to another painful and problematic behavior. When shame becomes all-pervasive, it paralyzes. A sense of unworthiness and inferiority can result in depression, hopelessness, and despair.

Healing from judgement, guilt and shame.

Healing requires a safe environment where you can begin to be vulnerable, express yourself, and receive acceptance and empathy. Then you’re able to internalize a new experience and begin to revise your beliefs about yourself. It may require revisiting shame-inducing events or past messages and re-evaluating them from a new perspective. Usually it takes an empathic therapist or counselor to create that space so that you can incrementally tolerate self-loathing and the pain of shame enough to self-reflect upon it until it dissipates.

(Check out Self-Regulation Therapy as a way to move past SHAME!)

Oh yah the dishes!

The trick is to stop “shoulding” myself, it’s my choice to do them or not, it’s my choice to ask for help, or not. I get to choose how I want to feel. Once you become more aware and able to notice the sensations in your body, it gets easier. Growing compassion for myself.

In order to stop Shame, we need to grow more unconditional LOVE, be content with where people are in their journey, it’s their journey not yours. Focus on your own journey, your own path, start loving yourself.