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Do you have unmet Needs?

Nadine Jones
Jan 28, 2017
3 min read

I am inspired by this quotes, because it reminds me about where I want my mind to be.

While I often become aware of my needs through their not being met or through uncomfortable feelings in my body. I have found that it doesn't support growth in wellness to dwell on this unfulfilled state.

Why We Have Unmet Needs

Because we don’t ask for what we need. Why, because we think it will be less genuine when it’s given, we think it’s rude or intrusive or needy, we don’t like to think of ourselves as ever needing anything, we fear rejection, we simply don’t feel worth it. All of these have been modeled to us in different ways, and we each develop a lens that can skew the reality.

However one of the biggest challenges to us asking for what we need is that we often don’t even know what we need.

What Do We Need

If we would stop and ask ourselves “What do I need?” we’d probably realize that half of our needs come down to wanting to feel connected to another person. If we could do this more quickly in the moment, we would be more likely to respond in a way that would actually leave us feeling more connected, and thus having our needs met.

Just the other day, I had an interaction with an employee of a local store, and I noticed discomfort in me about our interaction. My first impulse was to judge the employee, and I evaluated him as being, "not very warm." Quickly, I realized I had made a judgment. Thinking OMG where is my compassion! And then judging myself. About 60 seconds later, I find myself sitting in my car, realizing that I had not yet transformed the discomfort of my unmet need, nor had I named it. So as I drove back to work I sat in my discomfort and asked myself “What is my unmet need”, I tried to translate my judgments into needs. I found that my need, in this case was for warmth. So I said to myself, my interaction with this man doesn't meet my need for warmth. I noticed a slight shift inside of me, but for the most part, I was still in discomfort, and still in judgment of this man, thinking that he, "should be warmer." Sitting with my feelings I made a plane to address the unmet need of warmth. I found myself wanting to reach out to others with warmth, and gravitated to those people in my office I have experienced warmth with.

The next time I find myself in this same local store with this same person I will be more aware of my need for warmth, I will transform my discomfort in that moment. The fabulous things about having identified the need and brainstorming ways I can get that need met is that when I do reach out, I will see him as part of the solution to my unmet need. I will also be more likely not to judge him for his inability to be friendly and meet him with more compassion.

Nonviolent Communication is a fabulous method for helping articulate what we need. Here I want to share with you their list of needs we have, with the hope that it will help you start to identifying which ones you need met. When we start the work of being responsible for knowing ourselves, it’s helpful to have a list that allows us to try on different needs.

What are your unmet Needs?

CONNECTION acceptance affection appreciation belonging cooperation communication closeness community companionship compassion consideration consistency empathy inclusion intimacy love mutuality nurturing respect/self-respect safety security stability support to know and be known to see and be seen to understand and be understood trust warmth

PHYSICAL WELL-BEING air food movement/exercise rest/sleep sexual expression safety shelter touch water

HONESTY authenticity integrity presence

PLAY joy humor

PEACE beauty communion ease equality harmony inspiration order

AUTONOMY choice freedom independence space spontaneity

MEANING awareness celebration of life challenge clarity competence consciousness contribution creativity discovery efficacy effectiveness growth hope learning mourning participation purpose self-expression stimulation to matter understanding